AITA if we don't tell people we are in labor? (2024)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no medal for doing everything alone.

True, but there is also no medal in making things harder for yourself.

It’s reasonable for OP to limit visits in the first days/weeks to short drive-bys unless the visitor is someone who will actually help. Unreasonable to forbid a grandma from laying eyes on her newborn grandkid at all.

Grandma isn't local so we she won't be able to lay eyes on baby in person for a few weeks. and if she tries to surprise fly in she knows she's not welcome. We are following OB/pediatrician recommendation on visitors from out of state since baby is coming early no matter what. But we will certainly share photos. The drive by visit can't happen either. Their expectation is when they do visit they just go back to the hotel to sleep at night they will be with us the rest of the day.

If you don’t want her to come that’s fine. It is your life, your home, your baby. You get to choose.

However, the “their expectation” bit can change. Sure they want it, but if they are told otherwise they can be clear and know what to expect NOW, when things have changed. Your DH can tell MIL that she is welcome for lunch, he’ll be ordering in. That is all you can handle right now. Does she want that? Come! Doesn’t want that? Okay, wait a few weeks until you are ready for a visit.

Regardless, you are going to want to change the dynamic. It won’t get earlier to have them in your house from 7am-9pm just because the kid is 2, or 10. Set new expectations that are clear and kind.

This is really good advice. thank you. I know it will be a much harder battle. It was already difficult explaining to them that they can't stay in our one bedroom apartment with us once the baby is here. They pitched a fit about that. They would be missing out. I finally just said I don't want to have to get fully dressed to come out in sleepy haze just to go to the bathroom in my own home or put milk in the fridge. This isn't going to work.

When they visit they do anything else. They don't know anyone, they have no interest in eating out or sightseeing or anything. If I asked them to only come by for lunch they would look at it as we are keeping the baby from them or not letting them be grandparents.

We did explain that even at 4-6 weeks old ( assuming baby is home and healthy) I'll still be feeding on demand or trying to (fingers crossed) or pumping on a schedule and baby won't be awake for too long and there just isn't that much for them to do but they want me to pump so they can feed baby and if can nurse I won't be doing that. So there are so many nuanced battles with family 😕 anyway I appreciate this post and absolutely will discuss with therapist and DH how to best set expectations for ourselves in our own home around their visit

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP we did something similar - called family once labor was almost done, and then phones off for a bit. We requested visits not be more than a few days and please stay at a hotel. I think diplomatically go with your gut and setting boundaries may help your peace of mind. But also; my MIL, although pushy, was helpful, washing dishes and preparing food and laundry, and we really appreciated it. Newborns can be crazy so take help if it is offered. My mom wanted to be entertained and hold baby a ton while we were trying to figure out nursing - different personality so I was glad to have pre-established a time limit.

That is good to know! Maybe a text. Once we are done or nearly there if no complications and if DH wants to then turn phones off. I'm not opposed completely it's just a five a mouse cookie type situation with our family

I think we have the opposite - my mom would cook and honestly just drop off without even asking to see us or the baby but MIL has already said things like you'll need to pump or give formula so I can feed "my baby" when I visit. or please don't do cloth diapers because I don't like that and I want to change her diapers. FIL has already asked when they can be alone with the baby. Which I think is creepy as hell but I'm trying to remind myself that they raised DH and his sister and I love them and neither of them have the trauma I lived through so those comments hit different with me vs others

Showed up after my SIL gave birth only to meet my MIL sobbing her head off because SIL had needed episiotomy. Mom and baby were fine. I had to baby sit her so BIL could spend some time with his wife and baby. He had been spending the time before I cane comforting his mom.

Anonymous wrote:We knew to let people know after the birth was finished. Even if they want to be supportive some can't handle the stress of the birthing process.

Showed up after my SIL gave birth only to meet my MIL sobbing her head off because SIL had needed episiotomy. Mom and baby were fine. I had to baby sit her so BIL could spend some time with his wife and baby. He had been spending the time before I cane comforting his mom.

Oh Jeez. SIL def needed her husband more than his mother did

Anonymous wrote:Under ordinary circ*mstances it would be a jerk move not to at least tell your parents you’re gojng into the hospital. It sounds like these are not ordinary circ*mstances and your in laws are crazy, in which case you may need to do something else. But if you’re having you go in at 6 and have baby in arms by 9:30 usually. If you have a scheduled C date, it would be pretty odd not to tell them that. I’ve also never heard of a doctor saying no out of state visitors for the first month. Most people have their parents fly in. But most people I know do require parents to be fully vaccinated including pertussis.

Our MFM is worried about respiratory issues even though they have me the steroids for her lungs a few weeks ago. Even before all this at the meet and greet with the pediatrician she told us if possible not to have anyone fly in to minimize germs and fever risk for 4-6 weeks. Especially because in laws don't have covid vax/booster and won't wear a mask during travel or around the baby. They reluctantly agreed to flu and they did get tdap 2.5 years ago for the first grandchild so that should be good still.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP we did something similar - called family once labor was almost done, and then phones off for a bit. We requested visits not be more than a few days and please stay at a hotel. I think diplomatically go with your gut and setting boundaries may help your peace of mind. But also; my MIL, although pushy, was helpful, washing dishes and preparing food and laundry, and we really appreciated it. Newborns can be crazy so take help if it is offered. My mom wanted to be entertained and hold baby a ton while we were trying to figure out nursing - different personality so I was glad to have pre-established a time limit.

That is good to know! Maybe a text. Once we are done or nearly there if no complications and if DH wants to then turn phones off. I'm not opposed completely it's just a five a mouse cookie type situation with our family

I think we have the opposite - my mom would cook and honestly just drop off without even asking to see us or the baby but MIL has already said things like you'll need to pump or give formula so I can feed "my baby" when I visit. or please don't do cloth diapers because I don't like that and I want to change her diapers. FIL has already asked when they can be alone with the baby. Which I think is creepy as hell but I'm trying to remind myself that they raised DH and his sister and I love them and neither of them have the trauma I lived through so those comments hit different with me vs others

OP just ignore all the weird pushy comments as much as possible. Focus on the practical stuff (which you have) and be open to things evolving differently than you expect. You’re not going to be looking at your phone during labor so I think you should stop worrying about it. You can block MIL if it comes to that.

My MIL was pushy and weird and yes, I had to ban her from the house for a while. But things evolved and it was fine, and now 12 years later she is very diminished and I wish she had more time with DS as a baby/toddler. Just be ready to tell her to stop when she says stupid stuff. It’s going to be fine. Everything will calm down once the baby has arrived and is out of newborn phase.

Anonymous wrote:Under ordinary circ*mstances it would be a jerk move not to at least tell your parents you’re gojng into the hospital. It sounds like these are not ordinary circ*mstances and your in laws are crazy, in which case you may need to do something else. But if you’re having you go in at 6 and have baby in arms by 9:30 usually. If you have a scheduled C date, it would be pretty odd not to tell them that. I’ve also never heard of a doctor saying no out of state visitors for the first month. Most people have their parents fly in. But most people I know do require parents to be fully vaccinated including pertussis.

Covid is pretty rampant right now - if I had a newborn I’d probably take steps to prevent them from getting it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under ordinary circ*mstances it would be a jerk move not to at least tell your parents you’re gojng into the hospital. It sounds like these are not ordinary circ*mstances and your in laws are crazy, in which case you may need to do something else. But if you’re having you go in at 6 and have baby in arms by 9:30 usually. If you have a scheduled C date, it would be pretty odd not to tell them that. I’ve also never heard of a doctor saying no out of state visitors for the first month. Most people have their parents fly in. But most people I know do require parents to be fully vaccinated including pertussis.

Our MFM is worried about respiratory issues even though they have me the steroids for her lungs a few weeks ago. Even before all this at the meet and greet with the pediatrician she told us if possible not to have anyone fly in to minimize germs and fever risk for 4-6 weeks. Especially because in laws don't have covid vax/booster and won't wear a mask during travel or around the baby. They reluctantly agreed to flu and they did get tdap 2.5 years ago for the first grandchild so that should be good still.

I’d have people do covid rapid tests before visiting right now. Grab a bunch from Target.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to tell them - but maybe compromise by telling them, then just putting your phones down/turning off notifications?

I felt similarly (for different reasons - I just didn’t want to impose on my parents, and my mom is very good at not imposing) but my H told them. I didn’t find out until after, because the communication was just between my H and my mom and she didn’t pester him.

But now that I’m a parent, I can’t imagine NOT knowing while my daughter was going thru labor.

Here, too. Although for me it would be DIL. We're more of a support system than her mom.

Op I can understand not saying anything, too. It all depends on your preferences.

Here's what I did. I told my Mother when the baby arrived. She immediately flew to our location, several states away. Stayed in a hotel. Waited (and patiently) several days, when we were ready for visitors.

She wanted to be nearby, as soon as possible. If I had told her when I went into labor, I'm sure she would have come even sooner. I understand now. I know she was grateful to be geographically close. When your child is going through a major health event, as a parent, you want to be close, you just do.

Anonymous wrote:Op, the thing is: this is your Mother. You will soon be a Mother and should be able to understand that you are her child (yes, a capable adult, but always the child she brought into the world) This is the biggest health event you have faced, her daughter. I don't mean to scare you, but it likely is. I would find it odd young Mothers do not understand this. Maybe you will soon.

Here's what I did. I told my Mother when the baby arrived. She immediately flew to our location, several states away. Stayed in a hotel. Waited (and patiently) several days, when we were ready for visitors.

She wanted to be nearby, as soon as possible. If I had told her when I went into labor, I'm sure she would have come even sooner. I understand now. I know she was grateful to be geographically close. When your child is going through a major health event, as a parent, you want to be close, you just do.

This isn't about my mother. It's my MIL.

My mom and I aren't close for many reasons..mainly the abuse she took out on me as a child and always choosing my brother and abusive ex over me. I grew up in a the men can do no wrong household. We are working on it and she knows my boundaries exist and why. My mother is actually local and is respecting our wishes. This also isn't the biggest health event I have faced to date but thanks.